the prodigal

I doubt there is any feeling so wonderful as reconnecting with a loved one…….after many years of being in the dark (so to speak) about where a person is and how they are doing…..one reconnects…seemingly at random, and the world suddenly tilts on it’s axis and becomes “normal” again.

My eldest son and I were estranged many years ago….for reasons that are no one’s business than our own…….I still thought of him every day, prayed for him every day,………..wished him to be safe and well every day………..and had no earthly idea if my prayers were ever answered or not. I had a vague notion of where he was living but every attempt to locate him was unsuccessful….and besides, I wasn’t even sure if he would welcome me back into his life or see it as an intrusion….I would think of the Biblical story of the prodigal son and wish mightily that could be us………..

There is absolutely no way to express or explain just how much pain is involved when a mother and child become estranged………it is like having a glass shard stuck in your heart….you know it is there…………….it hurts. It may not bleed daily but when it does the pain is unimaginable……….it isn’t life threatening, but it is soul wrenching……………..it is always there underlying everything………..every joy is tempered………..every success is diminished………………every pain is magnified.

Family members tend to choose sides, and all relationships are damaged……sometimes without benefit of explanation or repair.

In loosing my son I lost a connection to my family…………..and have never been able to repair it………..

Everything is questioned, all thoughts and feeling shared with family become suspect…………and the feeling of never regaining comfort takes hold of one’s soul and burns distrust, anguish and fear into it.

What a blessing it is to finally be able to say to my child “I love you”……….what a blessing it is to learn he is doing well, has good and faithful friends and has made a good life for himself. What a relief to finally know that he is alive and well………….

For every year that went by without word I died a little bit. I still have another child……..I still have grand children……….I still have friends with whom I share laughter and life………….But the glass shard in my heart has become loose and is on it’s way to dissolving………

And I am grateful.

I have looked back on the things I have done, or said, and wish that they had never occurred………..yet I wonder if today’s joy would have even been possible without yesterday’s pain and anguish? Would my life have been drastically different if we had never parted on angry terms? There’s no way to tell…………unfortunately (or fortunately) none of us has the ability to see all outcomes prior to acting or reacting…………I think that loss is the most educating of all…………and quite probably it took the loss of a familial relationship for each of us to grow into the people others see today.

I could choose to vilify my actions, and those of my son’s, or I can choose to see them as blessings placed before us as challenges so that we could grow and mature. I choose the latter. I am so grateful the prodigal is back and now we can celebrate.mom son

1 thought on “the prodigal

  1. Amen!!! So happy for my bff

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