Everyone that has met me knows that I have lovely white hair….ok, so it’s mostly white with a bit of the original mink brown in the back.and a lot of gray mixed in with the mink brown..the point here is that I actually look good with white hair and it’s nice and sparkly in the sunshine. People have commented for years on how pretty it is, and how nice it looks on me……….
the thing is, I have been feeling my age for the past few weeks and have thought about how to change something to make me feel better…ok, younger! are ya happy now? yes, I want to feel younger than the age of dirt. I’ve been through a lot of changes recently,….lost some weight, had a few health scares, felt unappreciated for …..well………pretty much everything…………..which brings me right back to my hair……sigh. I wonder why we women feel it’s ok to muck about with our looks so much? Why do we tend to get a haircut or change hairstyles when we feel in the dumps? it is usually a bad idea, but we do it anyway and then are left with too short hair that takes years to grow, or we have an oddball color that takes forever to grow out (or wash out if we were semi-intelligent and used a temporary color)? Can you tell where this ramble is leading you yet?
I used to have, at a very young age, mink colored hair.it was a lovely dark brown with red highlights…everyone thought it was gorgeous (yes, even me). Then when the first white showed up (at age 20) I decided to dye it. Boy was that a mistake. It turned out sort of orange…..then I wanted a perm. I had lovely straight hair….so of course I must have curls. I permed the stuff…..then I had Bozo-orange frizzy hair that looked like an afro on steroids! That took a while to go away and I swore no more perms or color….
That resolution lasted for all of six months and I was coloring away again. I stopped the insanity about four years ago and just let my white take over. I looked really good, and felt pretty, so what if it was wayyyyyyyy more white than my mink brown?
This past year though has seen me at almost curly (body waves) then short, then almost bald now short again…..so why am I talking about my hair? well, I sort of listened to a friend of mine and got some temporary rinse called mink…………it looked ok, sort of a blondy-brown that lasted for all of one shampoo……..it made me feel a bit better though about how I looked. so on an impulse, I purchased a semi-permanent color…this one was “warm lightest natural brown”. I thought it would be similar to the temporary one as the pictures were the same..same girl, same hair, same color. just would last for 30 shampoos this time. no harm no foul, right?
Wrong. it said to mix this creme stuff with a liquid and shake. ok, I shook….and shook….took a good ten minutes to mix this stinky crap. Finally was ready to apply it and the bottle started to swell at the sides. I frantically read the instructions (yes, I know……sigh) and it said to twist the top off the bottle before shaking. OOPS! Ok, I twisted the top and it popped off with a bang. color was flying all over the bathroom……some even landed on my head where it was supposed to be. I figured I’d better get it off the walls and ceiling before I had “warm lightest natural brown” walls and ceilings…so I grabbed the nearest towel (dear lord, it was white) and started wiping down the walls…….. Got them fairly cleaned off then figured since i now had four big brown spots on my head I’d better actually dye my hair……so I applied the stuff, rubbed it in good and waited. While waiting I got bored…I guess about 15 minutes had passed before I was seriously bored enough to read the dye instructions………………..uh oh…..I was supposed to rinse “thoroughly after ten minutes”. Crap! OK, I turned on the water and started to rinse this stuff out of my hair……..it seemed to take forever for the water to “run clear” so I could get my head out of the sink, but finally the rinsing was done. Now for step two. The conditioner.
It came in a big foil packet.just tear and apply……..I tried to tear the thing open and wrenched my wrist while doing so..this thing must be made of some super strong space-age material because there was no tearing it. I attempted to cut it with scissors, but only had a pair of children’s safety scissors..ok, they don’t even cut paper. Next I tried the fingernail clippers. After cutting my finger twice I gave up on the attempt to open this foil packet with them…..what else? No cutting implements were available so I did what anyone (that has lost their mind) would do. I firmly held the packet between my teeth and yanked it……..the packet opened……oh my lord did it open…..conditioner has to be without doubt the nastiest tasting stuff on the planet. After rinsing and spitting for several minutes I was recovered enough from the absolute vileness to put this stuff into my hair and comb it through. After doing so, I found the mouthwash and rinsed again for good measure, ten minutes had gone by……When I realized the conditioner was now like a hard coating on my hair I figured I’d better rinse it out. Exactly twelve minutes after beginning to rinse, I had removed enough of it that my hair was capable of moving again and my hands were now prune-like. I dried off..finally put my glasses back on and screamed when I saw myself.
“Warm lightest natural brown” seems to be a euphanism for the the ugliest greenish brown on the market! Green? seriously? I grabbed the directions and frantically searched for a phone number to dye-control or customer emergencies or whatever those people are called and found the small print which said “do not use on white or mostly-white hair as unexpected results may occur”. gee ya think? I found the phone number (finally) for the color specialists and started dialing….after waiting on hold for fifteen minutes (being forced to listen to disco-music) I connected with a “color specialist” who listened politely to my comments about the strange greenish cast to my hair and request for assistance to get back to my natural old lady white hair. She said “you weren’t supposed to use this product on white hair”. I said, “yes I know that now but what can I do?” She said “I’m sorry for your trouble ma’am, you can use product number 107 permanent color rich reddish natural brownish-blonde to counteract the warm lightest natural brown, but the results are not guaranteed to be as natural looking as you might wish” . Seriously? I said thank you and hung up…I am NOT putting a permanent color over a temporary color to counteract the temporary color. That would be crazy.
As I was sitting there contemplating my next move, my lovely and adored husband, George, walked into the room. He said good morning and was headed towards the kitchen when he suddenly stopped, slowly turned and stared at my head. He said (Bless his heart!) “Honey, did you mean to do that to your hair?” As I was wondering whether I could get away with killing him, he said “I love you no matter what but I don’t think green is your color.” Seriously?
OK, it only lasts for 28 shampoos according to this paper, so I started washing…………..after the first ten washings it has faded to a lovely shade of lime………I am seriously considering just shaving my head and starting over.