in my defense…..

In my defense, I have been suffering with influenza this past week and I am just not physically or emotionally capable of dealing with people.

Today was the first day in a week that I felt human enough to venture outside of my home. I went to the grocery store for a few items we needed, and spent an hour with my closest friend.  I was exhausted by the time I got back home again. I fed the dogs, and went into the bedroom to lie down and had just relaxed when the doorbell rang.

Now what? I thought, and grumbling got back up again to see who was at the door.

Before I got halfway to the door, the doorbell rang again…and again…and again…so by the time I actually opened the front door, not only was I annoyed, but I also had a headache from the danged bell.

In front of me stood two old ladies (yes, they were actually older than I am) holding tightly to their purses with one hand while holding pamphlets with the other.

Great. Bible thumpers………and I am not desirous of having a conversation about God. They started their spiel with “have you been saved by the blood of Christ?”

Now, there’s a gorgeous cross hanging on the outside wall of my home. We still have Christmas lights dangling from the roof (it’s been too cold and nasty out to risk a roof fall to take them down). You’d think they would have a better starting point.

I said (yes I was rude)  “And what EXACTLY makes it any of YOUR business if I have?”.

One of the “ladies” said “sorry to disturb you” and turned to leave. The other battle-ax…ummm, LADY said “It is our MISSION in life to bring the WORD of GOD to every HEATHEN and show them the RIGHT WAY to live and worship”.

I raised one eyebrow and said “really?” which she took to be permission to continue……..proselytizing for all she was worth, misquoting Jesus, misquoting the BIBLE, and generally annoying the CRAP out of me.

I put up my hand and said “get thee behind me Satan” and slammed the door.

This absolute MORON wasn’t going to give up until she had her say though and starting mashing on the doorbell again.

I finally (after maybe eight minutes) opened the door and she started in telling me all about how “Jesus came to Earth on the wings of angels to take the people up into his loving arms and show them the way to think and live”, and she had “a MISSION to convert me.”

I said “Not only are you uneducated about Jesus and the Bible, but you are obviously uneducated about the laws of the land. You are NOT wanted here nor will I continue to allow that doorbell to be pushed.  Get OFF my porch. Get off my land, and never come back. ”

She started to argue…so I finally said “Listen you stupid old crone. I am a Wiccan! A WITCH. Get off my porch or so help me you will end up as a frog!”.  ((no, I am not a witch..maybe, okay definitely a word that rhymes))

Well that got her off my porch….and out of my yard. And I went back to bed.

They will probably show back up again with reinforcements and I swear…next time I am going to sneeze on them and share this FLU!

16 thoughts on “in my defense…..

  1. Oh, yuck–what an unpleasant intrusion onto your private space. Folks can believe what they want, but when they try to covert someone at his/her own home or porch uninvited, then it is not what I think of as productive. It is too bad that they can’t just think that, if their ‘job’ in their minds is to ‘save’ others, they can just write blogs or hand out leaflets in some legal non-pesky way or something, and consider that if Jesus/Spaghetti Monster/Buddha wants your attention, that being would certainly get it in its own way! Oh well–best wishes to all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would expect this sort of thing at a church, or a revival..or even in a blog post. my front porch is off limits to people who want to shove their opinions down my throat. Now if they had been willing to discuss instead of promote, I might have spoken to them.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! So sorry you’ve had the flu, and hope today is better. … those old biddies sure were rude and persistent. I’ve never had any that kept on and on like that. Glad you gave them what for! haha! 🙂 the witch comment… love it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I honestly couldn’t think of anything more off-putting to say…danged flu has slowed my comebacks considerably.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh goodness … I probably shouldn’t be laughing so hard, but … Spaghetti Monster forgive me, I’m in stitches.

    “Get off my porch or so help me you will end up as a frog!”
    A FROG with the FLU!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Obviously they had no idea who they were dealing with. And their smug attitude is precisely what’s wrong with organized religion.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. i agree. if she had shown the slightest bit of compassion it all would have been so different.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Did I ever tell you about the time my Irish Great Grandmother followed a couple of religious people all the way to the sidewalk, her broom high in the air, screaming at them to write her adress in their Bible to remember not to come back?…. Yeah, she had a bit of a temper 😛 I think you would have liked her, though! To her defense, they had come quite a couple of time before the incident… but still…. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I already adore you Irish great grandma!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. She was quite a Lady 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. “… the RIGHT WAY to live and worship” Wow. Just wow. You had much more patience than I would’ve had. I would have simply said, “God is a myth,” and slammed the door in their faces.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thought about it. But then, I figured since they were oh so obviously of the mental ilk as the Trumpeteers, they needed a more visceral sign of devilry to keep them far away from any doors in the future. lol

      Liked by 1 person

  7. HaHa! Welcome back Suze. I had the same experience several years ago….only I was up a ladder picking oranges off my orange tree. When they got to the point of telling me I needed THEIR saving words, I just started throwing the oranges at them. Wasted a bushel of good oranges, but, it was worth it. If more folks would look at Jesus as the example for living, rather than the way to get to heaven, we would all be more open-minded about faith.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. amen brother! And oh, how I wish I had a fruit tree…maybe an apple tree out front.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh what the hell….just climb up on the roof and toss rotten tomatoes. LOL.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. eggplants…I had a bazillion of them this year. I KNEW I shouldn’t have canned all of them, but saved some for the “church ladies”.

        Liked by 1 person

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