We regret to announce the not entirely unsurprising passing of George P, who on the 2nd of June of this year was randomly vaporized by several zombies. This unfortunate incident occurred in a sewer pipe somewhere on Interstate 71. The deceased was reported to have shouted “Mein Gott!” just before expiring. George is survived by a bunch of cats, who could really care less. Funeral services will be held the 4th of next month.
We regret to announce the unfortunate demise of Paul M, who on the 3rd of September of this year was delicately minced by a homicidal maniac. This unfortunate incident occurred in a slightly distressed Buick Skylark at Camp Fusketotulee. The deceased was reported to have shouted “Did you hear something?” just before expiring. Paul is survived by a goldfish and a completely happy ex-wife. Funeral services will be held the 5th of next month.
Sarah S., died unexpectedly on the 1st of March of this year when she was completely consumed by passing aliens. This unfortunate incident occurred in a slightly distressed VW Van in Las Calamas, CA. The car was miraculously restored to its original condition. The deceased was reported to have shouted “Fake News!” just before expiring. Sarah is survived by a yellow lab named “Suck-up”.
The Empire is pleased to announce the termination of the notorious rebel Ivanka, who 7 days ago was maliciously crushed in a trash compactor by Prince Xizor. This incident occurred in a backwater spaceport on the third moon of Endor. The deceased was reported to have shouted “One thing’s for sure – we’re all gonna be a lot thinner!” just before expiring. Ivanka was reportedly accompanied by a Mon Calamari captain who fled the scene. To celebrate this important victory, Darth Vader will take a day off for golf with the admirals.