changes are necessary………

I have, for the past two years ranted about the Cheeto, ranted about politics (every side), the ultra-conservative “religious” wingnuts that want to impose their own personal Hell upon us all…..and assorted or various morons, idiots and dimwits.

I have praised people of true faith regardless of religion, encouraged those breaking bondage to their freedoms, those fighting for causes………and just plain everyday people trying to do their best in a hazardous world.

And all of it pales to what I am facing…what George is facing….what so many un or under-insureds are facing.

My sweet hubby is facing a life threatening condition…..and we might not be able to get him the care he needs.  He is employed. He has insurance. It’s just not “very good”……it doesn’t pay for so many things, or imposes conditions that can not be met before it pays for the services he needs.

And our state once again turned down the medicaid expansion that would have let him receive the treatment he needs.

Without saying too much and releasing medical information no one needs to hear, we don’t meet criteria for assistance.  He makes too much money for federal assistance, too little to pay the insurance deductible and pay for treatment or services he needs.

So what do people in our situation do? Rob a bank? That’s illegal and not very practical. Possibly hit a few casinos??? Yea, I suck at gambling.

If we are religious, we simply pray for help that we know is unavailable. But I am not religious. I do not believe if I ask things of my God that she/he will do a dadblasted thing about it. That isn’t how prayer works.

If we are less honest we might try to show less income or more expenditures to qualify for state services…we just happen to be ethical and honest so we don’t even try. I am honest enough though to admit I thought about it.

I have thought about applying for life insurance knowing he can not pass a physical……I have thought about all sorts of unethical or possibly illegal things, discounting all…….yet wondering.  Would I?

I have thought about what life would be without my husband, knowing that if he doesn’t get treatment or surgery I will not have the pleasure of his company for very much longer………and I simply can not bear the thought of life without him.

I have thought “hey I can get life insurance on me”, then took the thoughts even further to “if I were gone, he’d have those benefits to pay for his surgery”…and it (at that time) seemed a reasonable plan of action.

I realize that I am terrified of losing him, terrified of the thought of what life would be without him, and am seriously depressed. I realize that suicidal thoughts are just that…thoughts. Not rational and therefor something to stop. I also realize that by speaking those thoughts, or writing about them will bring responses that will annoy me, or comfort me, or anger me, or depress me even more than I currently feel. So please, no shocked or falsely sympathetic comments are needed or desired. Psychiatric assistance is not needed nor warranted…don’t believe ask my therapist who already knows what i have been thinking.

No, I do not have a plan. No, I would not actually go through with it. No, it isn’t a solution that I can “live with”. (okay I just made myself chuckle at the irony of that statement…give me a break).

The point is I suppose, that if I don’t post it isn’t because I did anything stupid, it’s because I am trying to get appropriate medical help for my beloved and that is more important than any silly blog.

9 thoughts on “changes are necessary………

  1. I love you both and wish there was more I could do that would give you comfort…knowing that I can’t. That being said, I have both been there and done all the things that you my friend are thinking and saying, with my own circumstances and know that where you are at is not a fun place to be, just know you are not alone!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I find myself daily thanking the good lord that you came into my life.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs. Try a university and see if they have any clinical trials, maybe? A few friends had luck with at least getting free mental health help and one or two medical treatments when insurance wouldn’t cover. I’m sorry you are in Red State Hell and this is happening. America sucks too much for too many, and healthcare should be a human right. My honest answer…if the government is risking your life, the only ethical response is to lie to them. Saving a life, even if it means fudging assets, is far less ethically wrong than them putting a life at risk. You owe evil Republican assholes no honesty.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thanks. some good ideas here to think about..


  3. I wish I could like this post, but I can’t. And I can’t understand how the politicians who are supposed to represent us and work for us can be so cold hearted and vote against legislation that would benefit their constituents because of stupid, unenlightened, political self-interests. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You might want to consider a starting a Go Fund Me campaign for George. I know a few folks who’ve done that to raise money for unexpected medical expenses. Good luck, Suze.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. No one is prepared nor have a plan for these circumstances, one also finds out just how great society is not, especially the insurance companies… 🙂 … my late wife had a pain in the small of her back, they finally took a MRI in 2011 and after other tests, it were determined she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer… she passed away in 2015… one just puts up fight, don’t quit and deal with it on a daily basis… not knowing what your husband’s issues are, there are organizations, a good number of them free, that can help in a number of ways…

    “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. dancing as fast as I can…and doing some research now. Thanks for your thoughts and words.


  5. Sorry to hear y’all are going through tough times right now. Wish is weren’t so. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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