I have, for the past two years ranted about the Cheeto, ranted about politics (every side), the ultra-conservative “religious” wingnuts that want to impose their own personal Hell upon us all…..and assorted or various morons, idiots and dimwits.
I have praised people of true faith regardless of religion, encouraged those breaking bondage to their freedoms, those fighting for causes………and just plain everyday people trying to do their best in a hazardous world.
And all of it pales to what I am facing…what George is facing….what so many un or under-insureds are facing.
My sweet hubby is facing a life threatening condition…..and we might not be able to get him the care he needs. He is employed. He has insurance. It’s just not “very good”……it doesn’t pay for so many things, or imposes conditions that can not be met before it pays for the services he needs.
And our state once again turned down the medicaid expansion that would have let him receive the treatment he needs.
Without saying too much and releasing medical information no one needs to hear, we don’t meet criteria for assistance. He makes too much money for federal assistance, too little to pay the insurance deductible and pay for treatment or services he needs.
So what do people in our situation do? Rob a bank? That’s illegal and not very practical. Possibly hit a few casinos??? Yea, I suck at gambling.
If we are religious, we simply pray for help that we know is unavailable. But I am not religious. I do not believe if I ask things of my God that she/he will do a dadblasted thing about it. That isn’t how prayer works.
If we are less honest we might try to show less income or more expenditures to qualify for state services…we just happen to be ethical and honest so we don’t even try. I am honest enough though to admit I thought about it.
I have thought about applying for life insurance knowing he can not pass a physical……I have thought about all sorts of unethical or possibly illegal things, discounting all…….yet wondering. Would I?
I have thought about what life would be without my husband, knowing that if he doesn’t get treatment or surgery I will not have the pleasure of his company for very much longer………and I simply can not bear the thought of life without him.
I have thought “hey I can get life insurance on me”, then took the thoughts even further to “if I were gone, he’d have those benefits to pay for his surgery”…and it (at that time) seemed a reasonable plan of action.
I realize that I am terrified of losing him, terrified of the thought of what life would be without him, and am seriously depressed. I realize that suicidal thoughts are just that…thoughts. Not rational and therefor something to stop. I also realize that by speaking those thoughts, or writing about them will bring responses that will annoy me, or comfort me, or anger me, or depress me even more than I currently feel. So please, no shocked or falsely sympathetic comments are needed or desired. Psychiatric assistance is not needed nor warranted…don’t believe ask my therapist who already knows what i have been thinking.
No, I do not have a plan. No, I would not actually go through with it. No, it isn’t a solution that I can “live with”. (okay I just made myself chuckle at the irony of that statement…give me a break).
The point is I suppose, that if I don’t post it isn’t because I did anything stupid, it’s because I am trying to get appropriate medical help for my beloved and that is more important than any silly blog.