Friday. The day after Thanksgiving, and I am exhausted.
Not from cooking…not from being overstuffed with turkey, ham, yams, green bean casseroles, or any other Thanksgiving foods…….no, I am exhausted from driving back and forth 75 miles each way to the hospital to see my husband.
I am so enormously thankful that George is still alive. I am enormously grateful that he is in the best heart hospital in the country.
I am also incredibly afraid, both that he will not survive until his surgery and that he may not survive his surgery.
It seems that we went from a couple getting up in years to being at death’s door in a matter of weeks. Four weeks ago, George was working full time.
Three weeks ago he was undergoing stress tests and ultrasounds and blood work.
Two weeks ago he had energy…lagging after a 48 hour on-call job, but he enough to spare for a second stress test.
Six days ago, George came home with a wearable defibrillator.
Four days ago he had a cardiac catheterazation and immediate transfer to to a hospital in Oklahoma City.
Today, my husband forgot I had visited him two days ago…he forgot I was there when I stopped by the nurses station to speak to his nurse…I was gone from him five minutes.
And he forgot I was there.
Some of it I can just put down to being stuck in a place where the hours all melt into one another……..some I can put down to his extreme medication for a lung infection that needed to be clear before surgery.
Most of his confusion though, is due to a lack of oxygen being absorbed in his heart….other organs are shutting down in order to preserve life.
He now sleeps most of each day. It is his body’s way of surviving…….
Each day I can not visit I feel enormous guilt. Each time I visit and have to leave, I feel the same guilt. I promised to love him through everything, both good and bad……….and I do. I adore him. I want to share everything with him…………but I am so tired. I am so very sad.
I am so grateful we live in Oklahoma where he can get the medical care he needs. I am grateful we live where we were able to pay off a house…this one will not be taken for his medical bills. They are already close to a million dollars and he is only on day five in hospital number two. We already owe over 75K to four different doctors or specialists. Not to mention the fees for the labs, the radiology group and the life vest company.
I am so damned thankful that that tiny blue wave took the house of representatives…….maybe they can save Obamacare as it is the only reason George has insurance. I am so damned grateful that the “pre-existing condition clause” was NOT removed. When George loses his insurance, he can still get a policy. And don’t doubt, he WILL lose it. Either through having to work part time and not being able to keep what he has, or through being unable to work at all when he gets out again.
I am so very thankful that George does not have a CAP on his policy. I did on mine and my heart attack 12 years ago made me uninsurable once mine cancelled for fees.
I will once again be on the road to OKC……this Sunday, George is scheduled for open-heart surgery.
I will be once again driving two hours with little sleep…. to pray…not to ask for anything but to praise, to hope….