Once seen, never to be forgotten

 

George had his surgery today…………and I waited………and waited.

 

.

He is asleep…….he is intubated…….the doctor has begun……..updates were frequently given.

Hours seemed to last forever, yet go by quickly. Time seemed to have little meaning.

The Chaplin prayed………and comforted.

Children visiting grandparents or parents passed by, subdued as if they knew something serious was happening without understanding exactly what it was.

A service dog wagged…stopping for a moment as I looked up and shared a moment of comfort with me. Canine eyes looking sympathetic; so incongruous yet so wonderful during the moment.

The smell of a country breakfast wafted throughout the waiting room.  Someone eating pancakes while waiting for news. Fresh coffee passed from hand to hand by those wondering about their loved ones….needing something to keep them busy…to keep them from thinking.

All of us waiting for the moment the surgeon would meet us to give good news……some received sad news instead and we all cringed at the thought “that could be us’.

The moment when a surgical nurse called out my name was both the worst and best moment of my life. Fear reared its ugly head and my stomach roiled with tension I had been controlling…..barely controlling. She smiled, and I almost wept with relief. It wouldn’t be bad news for me today.

She had a video…did I wish to see?  I nodded not understanding what she meant.

There………..on camera……..my husband’s heart…..beating strongly in the hand of his surgeon. A voice describing what procedure had been accomplished.

My husband’s heart.

Some things should never be seen.

They can never been UN-seen.

A ring of black across his lung……the effects of smoking…or war. Both are viable options for the blackness……is this an omen of grief to come? Or a warning to be heeded and prayed over?

I was allowed to be with him in the cardiac intensive care room he was assigned……..a single nurse with him monitoring breath and heartbeat..color and temperature….intake of IV fluids and output of bodily fluids.  24 hours a day until he is transferred to a regular room.

He was still intubated…a machine breathing for him as he still was unable to do so on his own…a result of medication I was assured and not  secondary to his surgery.

My strong, ex-Army officer husband with tubes everywhere…..it was a horror I thought so naively I was prepared to see.

I was so NOT prepared to see…….to hear the cacophony of machines keeping my husband alive yet still so he can heal.

A nurse saying “speak to him as the sound of your voice will comfort him”………..and me, standing next to him……holding his hand and babbling nonsense while tears flowed down my face, uncontrolled and unapologetic.

He squeezed my fingers………a gentle, light touch……..but there all the same.,

He was comforting me.

I saw his heart….it looked far too small to hold all the love, compassion and empathy I know he feels.

I saw his heart.

 

15 thoughts on “Once seen, never to be forgotten

  1. Dear Madame Suze,

    I won’t joke around today… This post made me tear up. I am sorry I have been absent as of lately. You probably mentionned George’s surgery before today, and I wish I had been there with you two, in thoughts. I send my warmest wishes for a quick and full recovery.

    *Much love to you two!* xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. your lovely posts over the last two weeks have given me laughter when I needed it, provided hope when I needed it..made me tear up when I needed it. Thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You are so welcome… Muuuuah to you and George!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. ♥️♥️♥️+Prayers

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so poignant. I had no idea they had these kinds of videos. My squeamishness leapt up and wiggled about screaming, “You saw his heart!” Unbelievable.

    I hope George is out of the woods soon and both of you are somewhere you want to be. Together and healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Best post I’ve read in weeks

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So happy to hear George has come through it safely, Suze! Have been thinking about you both a lot. I agree, doctors should keep the scary sights to themselves. You’re a brave woman!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautiful thoughts, Suze. Give yourself and your Higher Power a hand of applause. YEA!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m choked. Thoughts are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you for letting us know, and oh so glad it is good news; that hand squeeze must have felt like pure joy. My thoughts and wishes for uneventful days of breakfast scents and friendly dogs, and a speedy recovery for your husband.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Lord, have mercy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No kidding. Then this morning I opened my email and the video was there. Argggggg

      Liked by 1 person

  10. So happy about this! Wonderful news😊

    Liked by 1 person

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